Triggers. Pt 1

I don't know how to write this, but if I don't get it out somewhere, I might just implode.

I am haunted.

It started long ago, at a time when I was younger. Less mentally healthy. A heavy drinker. A heavy pot smoker. And very, very symptomatic. Bipolar to the nines. Manic, depressed, self deprecating.

In all that mess, I fell for a guy that, on paper, was not right for me. An alcoholic who would call at all time of the night to have me pick him up from wherever he'd be drunk. He smoked too much. He ate too much red meat. He was a man.

He was also insecure. He lived at home. Dropped out of college. Didn't have a license. He never seemed to feel good about himself. Except, he was the funniest, smartest, most wonderful person I got to know. He turned out to be everything I wanted.

Then, of course, it self destructed. Got nasty. Hateful. Just, angry and heartbreaking. I didn't get out of bed for three months. Then...slowly, I got over it. I stopped getting nauseous at the thought of him. Then I stopped thinking about him period. Eventually, his memory faded as I moved on. Shit got serious in my life. I had to get mentally healthy, and I have taken many steps in that direction. I wanted to get my high school diploma and I'm literally one unit and an exam away from that goal. I wanted to take more responsibility for my life, so I moved in with my Dad in order to save money to move into the city to A) get a job and B) apply to and attend college. I also became a vegetarian with great strides towards veganism. This was for my health and my soul and it's been very important to me.

Then, about a year ago, the dreams started happening. I would have these vague dreams where he was there. I was with him. We were face to face. I was hearing his voice. I would wake up a little muddled and move on. Eventually they became so real that I would wake up crying. They were so intense and real and I would lose it in my dreams and wake up in tears...devastated. And I couldn't understand it. I avoided the music I associated with him. I didn't think of him. Where was all this coming from?

In the last six months, it's been difficult. He's in my head. I'm not seeking this. I go on with my life. I do my homework, I make home cooked meals and have taken up this blog. I update FB and chat with friends. I do chores and check the mail. I read voraciously and watch an unhealthy amount of television. I hang out with friends and cuddle with my dogs all the time. Life goes on. But he's in there. Mostly in my dreams. Haunting them.

Waking up is difficult. Wanting to sleep is scary. I stay up way too late to avoid the inevitable. And I've tried to wake up earlier and earlier. I want to avoid going to sleep. I'm scared to go to sleep. Terrified. Today, I passed out for a nap and woke up so upset I cried for a good ten minutes. Loud sobbing wails. Just letting it out. Finally, I recovered enough to visit with a friend, grab a bite to eat and a snack and catch up on PVR'd Animation Domination. Still. It became too much today. Too much. I had to get it out.

I don't really care who reads this. And it doesn't relate to my journey. Except it does. In my dreams, I dream about meat. I eat with him. Cheese burgers (his favorite) and Molson Ex. It becomes a trigger for me. The craving I get, relate to him.

I'm going to keep working on this. Although, I don't know how.

Day 21. Week Three Done.

Not too much to talk about these days.

Busy with school.

But I've lost one more pound. Also, My hair is not anywhere near as dirty as it used to be. I can go 4-5 days without washing it and it's quite fine. I smell better. I feel better. Another positive side effect: far less menstrual cramps. For reals. I know this is a touchy thing to talk about but I said I'd be honest with this blog so here it is. Warts and all. I'm not in anywhere near as much pain as previous. And it was bad too. Nauseating, nearly blinding pain.

These days, things are much more pleasant than they used to be. I nap less and I sleep less at night. More time to get homework done I suppose.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday.

My Favorite Sandwich...So Far!

Tomatoes
Spinach
Sprouted Grain Bread
Veganaise
4 Strips of tempeh bacon.

Looks like so:

It's so delicious. I eat them to get my whole grains which provide me with protein, fiber and B vitamins. They're succulent, really. Especially if you fry the tempeh bacon in olive oil and make them nice and crispy.

Also, tonight, I made a stir fry with some fried basmati rice and white beans. It also was succulent. I can see no end to the possibilities of meat-free eating. Check out this photo of supper tonight:

Assorted Vegan Foods

Here are a few things I've made or picked up recently that are fantastic!!! And they're vegan!

Rice and veggies: radishes, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, mushrooms and onions.

Same kind of stir fry, but with bean sprouts, spinach and soy sauce. I call this my Green and White Veggie Stir Fry. 

Vegan whole wheat bagel, with vegan cream cheese. So delicious!

I hope some of these shots show you what you can eat every day. Delicious, wonderful, nutritious food that costs less than meat and does way more for your body. 

Bon Appetit!

TVP Tacos. Incredible.

Today I made TVP tacos.

I was apprehensive at first as I REALLY love tacos...soft shell, not corn shell. But I love the way the cheese, sour cream, meat and salsa mingle at the bottom of the taco. That last bite is usually blissful. Those are hard shoes to fill for a meat replacement. But it did work. It was delicious. I'm still burping it up 6 hours later.

Here's how it went down.

First, I put the water for the rice and TVP on to boil. I also set out a frying pan with olive oil to be filled with bean sprouts, white beans, mushrooms, peppers, onion and garlic. As I was chopping and adding, the waters came to boil and I added their respective ingredients. The TVP took no time to cook! It was ready in a flash. Check this out, this is TVP in it's dry form on the right, just after cooking on the left, and being fried and seasoned in the middle.

Once I had seasoned the TVP, added it to the veggie mix in the other pan and it looked like so:

 

Finally, it was ready to put together into some delicious tacos....look at this!

As you can see for yourself, It looks amazing and delicious, and it was. Flavourful, textured, and totally nutritious. I have left overs too because I made more TVP than I needed. It cooks so well. If you're a veggie beginner (as I still am) you can find this in Canada at Bulk Barn. I don't know about in the US so look it up if you're there.

This is one meat substitute I'm very happy with. It'll get thrown into stir frys and chili for sure!

Macca Stands Up For the Vegetarian Lifestyle in Schools!

I've mentioned this a few times, and trust me, I'll be mentioning this many more times, but I love Paul McCartney. That man is my hero. I've listened to his music, seen his art, own his movies and read his stories. I've watched his documentaries and seen him live. He is my rock.

He is also veggie!

I know he gets a lot of flack for being veggie from the vegans. But he gets WAY more flack for being veggie from meat eaters. In truth, I'm proud he is veggie and I know he's made that decision for himself. I don't like to criticize unnecessarily. Especially when I see how healthy he is and how committed he is. I think it's wonderful. If I ever meet him, however, I will ask him 'Why not vegan?' I hope he has something witty and clever (and British) to say ;)

The link above is to an article talking about how Macca (his nickname, for all you laymens), is blasting the French government for refusing to offer vegetarian/vegan options on their small menus in school cafeterias.

"...Didn't You Hear? Turkey's A Vegetable Now!"

I tried tempeh bacon tonight. It sucked on it's own. It was bitter and I HATED the texture. Yuck. However...when it was paired with tomato, spinach, sprouted grain bread and Vegenaise, it was much better. I could eat it that way to get my protein and not mind. I will not buy it often tho.

I'm pretty excited to try TVP. I picked some up at Bulk Barn when I did my grocery and it looks like it will make good tacos. And I picked up some tofu also. I froze it, because apparently, that's the best way to get it to taste right when you marinate it. Now I just have to look up how to mash it and I'm set to make this kinda delicious recipe I found.

Quality Tofu Burgers:

250g firm tofu, mashed
    1 cup oats
    1/2 cup sunflower seeds, grinded
    4 tablespoon soy sauce
    pinch garlic powder
    pinch salt
    2 tablespoon finely chopped onion
Directions:

Mash tofu then marinate with soy sauce. 
Mix all ingredients. 
Form into 4 burgers and fry in olive oil.


I intend to substitute sunflower seeds with flax as I couldn't get my hands on any seeds. I'm also thinking of adding a few breadcrumbs for texture.

Next week, I intend to exercise. For now, no equipment.I'll walk. For one, the weather is quite warm for November. And once we hit January, we'll be into those REALLY cold days where you're not even allowed to go outside anymore. On those days, I will use the equipment. I also enjoy being outside in the country on my own. It's nice to be away from my Dad at times too (but that's another story entirely). I like to put on my McCartney iPod and kinda lose myself.

Also, tonight, I mentioned that I might not be at Christmas dinner and that if I was I'd make my own food to which my Dad replied "So you're not even gunna eat turkey?" For a second I thought he might be kidding...sometimes he plays dumb and he thinks it's hilarious so I laughed and said "Yeah Dad, didn't you hear? Turkey's a vegetable now!" And he was totally serious...completely serious. As if I'd just slapped him in the face. He looks at me for awhile with this look on his face like I'm nuts because I won't eat turkey. And partly like as if he's just heard this news for the first time. I mean, what did you think vegetarian meant? I spared him the thought that he's essentially eating a carcass as I knew if I did I'd be lectured about how misinformed I am and how liberal I am and how I must love Obama. I realize those things have nothing to do with one another (and I'm Canadian!), but in my Dad's mind, they're one in the same. He watches FOX News by the way.  But this part has nothing to do with my veggie life. It's only here to demonstrate to you how despite that attitude in the home, I can still manage to be veggie and proud of it. My resolve is strong.

Be well friends. Here's Paul and Linda McCartney on The Simpsons in the episode "Lisa the Vegetarian" :D