Triggers. Pt 1

I don't know how to write this, but if I don't get it out somewhere, I might just implode.

I am haunted.

It started long ago, at a time when I was younger. Less mentally healthy. A heavy drinker. A heavy pot smoker. And very, very symptomatic. Bipolar to the nines. Manic, depressed, self deprecating.

In all that mess, I fell for a guy that, on paper, was not right for me. An alcoholic who would call at all time of the night to have me pick him up from wherever he'd be drunk. He smoked too much. He ate too much red meat. He was a man.

He was also insecure. He lived at home. Dropped out of college. Didn't have a license. He never seemed to feel good about himself. Except, he was the funniest, smartest, most wonderful person I got to know. He turned out to be everything I wanted.

Then, of course, it self destructed. Got nasty. Hateful. Just, angry and heartbreaking. I didn't get out of bed for three months. Then...slowly, I got over it. I stopped getting nauseous at the thought of him. Then I stopped thinking about him period. Eventually, his memory faded as I moved on. Shit got serious in my life. I had to get mentally healthy, and I have taken many steps in that direction. I wanted to get my high school diploma and I'm literally one unit and an exam away from that goal. I wanted to take more responsibility for my life, so I moved in with my Dad in order to save money to move into the city to A) get a job and B) apply to and attend college. I also became a vegetarian with great strides towards veganism. This was for my health and my soul and it's been very important to me.

Then, about a year ago, the dreams started happening. I would have these vague dreams where he was there. I was with him. We were face to face. I was hearing his voice. I would wake up a little muddled and move on. Eventually they became so real that I would wake up crying. They were so intense and real and I would lose it in my dreams and wake up in tears...devastated. And I couldn't understand it. I avoided the music I associated with him. I didn't think of him. Where was all this coming from?

In the last six months, it's been difficult. He's in my head. I'm not seeking this. I go on with my life. I do my homework, I make home cooked meals and have taken up this blog. I update FB and chat with friends. I do chores and check the mail. I read voraciously and watch an unhealthy amount of television. I hang out with friends and cuddle with my dogs all the time. Life goes on. But he's in there. Mostly in my dreams. Haunting them.

Waking up is difficult. Wanting to sleep is scary. I stay up way too late to avoid the inevitable. And I've tried to wake up earlier and earlier. I want to avoid going to sleep. I'm scared to go to sleep. Terrified. Today, I passed out for a nap and woke up so upset I cried for a good ten minutes. Loud sobbing wails. Just letting it out. Finally, I recovered enough to visit with a friend, grab a bite to eat and a snack and catch up on PVR'd Animation Domination. Still. It became too much today. Too much. I had to get it out.

I don't really care who reads this. And it doesn't relate to my journey. Except it does. In my dreams, I dream about meat. I eat with him. Cheese burgers (his favorite) and Molson Ex. It becomes a trigger for me. The craving I get, relate to him.

I'm going to keep working on this. Although, I don't know how.